finally starting to feel those rays

phew - it has been a hard few months - still dealing with the issues, but today i felt free and light. i laughed, i smiled, my boss took notice. i am trying to remind myself that i feel good, even when i don't feel good - it seems to be working - thank you, universe - please do not plunge me back into that darkness again. i know that i am only human, but it irks to have all of the tools and somehow not be able to use them - to feel powerless against the darkness - no longer!

not sure where to put this

so by default of least total readers - my abandoned and forgotten blog. for those who do not know, i have been dealing with some major things, all at once. Sorry i haven't been around, but sometimes, just getting out of bed is hard. my brain starts filling up with all of the imaginary responsibilities i have, all that i expect of myself more then anything. i suppose i always thought that i would be the big hero - able to take on anything. so far, i have succeeded, sometimes at great cost. yet, i continue - though it is really hard to do a lot of the time. so the major things - divorce, major illness in the family, the realization that there are tenants of belief that i am pushing every day and not actually living, though i want to so badly that it is breaking my mind. i could be helping build a house somewhere, or tend a garden, do something that actually MEANS something... everything is always about the almighty dollar. well, yes - in a simple sense, money would fix all of the problems - and yet it would also create a lot more. i don't want money - i don't want to need money - i do not like money. i just want to be happy. i want not to have to work at some bullshit 9-5 or 9-9 - i want to help or create or both - i am incredibly productive and organized when i want to be. i just feel like using my powers for something that is nothing, means i am doing nothing. Groundhogs day - every day, we run in the hamster wheel. we do the same things over and over, with subtle variation and nothing changes. the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results, and yet this is how we live our lives! i am outraged! at me!!! i hate feeling obligated to keep a job that i have to struggle every day to get through - mainly because i know that it is not what i need to be doing - it is a paycheck, to get me by until... until when!??? when!????? never... that is what it feels like - like i am never going to do more then dream, because i cannot depend on myself to do what i really want to do, because it is not responsible, it is not practical, and other people's dreams are always more important then my own - that is how i feel about it - now i have to change it - and i have to change it now, because if i don't do something soon, i will be going mad, in a very literal sense.

subliminal sabotage

manifestation is something akin to faith - people believe in god, or gods, or goddesses, in the fact that the clouds will bring the rain, that when the cock crows that it may be dawn. so then why is it so hard to see that this is not just a happenstance? we live for a reason, people have spent their entire lives examining our reason for being at all, but as all things it is simple. we are here to learn - smarter then the average planetary body, we can communicate these inner musings, while something like whales may feel that even if they could write it down, it would be a waste of time - you either get it or you don't. so many times in life, we wonder why us? why could this or that happen to us? victims, we all are so afraid of taking responsibility for ourselves and this is wrong. if you have gone through the steps in meditation then you will know that we can make up so much of what harms us.

part of this is just our mind over-reacting to things - we are animals as well as other - we were in the not too distant past, running with the buffalo and living the life of a hunter/gatherer in the wild where having instincts and fears probably saved ones life. However, in our current world, most of the fears people have/obsess over are the sum of a lot of things - all of which can be cured by following the steps from meditation - but i digress, what i meant is that if you went through the steps, then you already know this, but all of that failure is created by you. if you are saying i hope i get it, you are allowing the possibility of not getting it - if you say that you know you will never win because you never do, you won't win - KNOW that you will win, KNOW that your goal will be reached and it will be so!! creating reality is only an effort of will - if you are thirsty, you will find a way to get a drink. your hand will reach out to a beverage and it enters your body and you are satisfied in that. apply that same simple logic to any and all things - anything is possible! i realized the other day that i live where i live, because i like it here. it is not super fancy, not super poor - nice and (mostly) clean and conveniently located - we live to our means or we live to our comfort level - i sincerely hope to kick my own ass in overturning this turnip cart in the near future, crazy style!

That is the essence of what living is - taking chances, making it from one quiz to another - that is what all that schooling was for... the foundation is solid, now each day is a lesson. If each day is the same, then you are not passing the test, you will rail at it as if it could not be different - but it can. anything is possible, make it so. Go into the day saying it will be amazing - as it is happening stop a moment and appreciate how amazing it is - these small things make all the difference in whether your moment is happy or sad. are you sensing everything? learning anything? hear, see, taste, touch, smell, feel that last 6th sense.... find pleasure in what you have, live every moment as if it were the last, because it is, the last moment - life is just a moment, that we perceive linearly - moments should not be spent lost in the past or immersed in the future - moments are for the lesson, the appreciation, and the next lesson - do not waste them in doubt and fear. this is not about wants, this is about taking full responsibility for your choices and their repercussions. you choose to do that, whether you think you do or not - if you want to be happy, don't permit yourself to be miserable - look around, see the beauty in the world and be amazed at the miracle that is EVERYTHING - see everything with gratitude, see yourself in every person and know that we are all one. Do not let subliminal sabotage make your path harder and more arduous - accepting a gift is just good manners, refusing it is rude.

Anonymous message - the plan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_9T1SPJXRI&feature=share

communication

http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-Better-in-a-Relationshippossibly the most ridiculously simple and difficult things in this life is communication. everyone is just trying to be understood, yet there is an unfortunate set of subconscious fears guiding every reply, every action and coinciding reaction, and sometimes, all you can do it react. the way through to the other side of a rage confrontation is not the same for every circumstance. personally, i try to figure out the reason that my hackles have risen and see that it is foolish. if you can see it, then you win that round. unfortunately, even knowing does not make one able to fight every instance of irrational fear... but it can help control the backlash of unfortunate behavior that may seem perfectly reasonable as you are "defending" yourself. the suck parts are when you know you will never be forgiven for some foolishness, you didn't really mean it, sort of bad choices... intentions are not analogous to reception! you can be bringing blankets to an orphanage and they just happened to not be flame resistant or something - anything can happen. I like to approach it all with the most positive intentions I can manage :) wrestling inner fears can be a constant struggle, but if you cannot change the past, don't lose the now there as well, or too far ahead either - appreciate your current blessings!

perception is everything - example - i have a friend, who i was very close with a few years back. he was aware of my eating issues. he decided to make me and some people breakfast this morning and thoughtlessly dumped a bunch of cheese into it. luckily, i saw it before i ate it, but i got so angry! i jumped up from the table and i went for a walk. it seems so irrational now, but at the time i was mad at the fact that he was completely thoughtless, forgetting something that was so major, and how selfish that he had not checked with me. from his point of view, he was just making me a tasty breakfast. this was result of neither of us communicating with the other, but was my reaction in any way warranted? not in his view, nor mine in hindsight, but that did not stop me from leaving the situation until i cooled down. He will never change, and knowing him, I should have known to remind him, haha! anyway - so when you get all secretly butthurt about something someone did and harbor resentment, what will that win you? nothing good. If you cannot forgive yourself, you won't be able to forgive others for what you Imagine their view of you is - twisty, but true! so once you cool down and have rationalized what was an irrational situation, remember to COMMUNICATE!

it is much easier to accept that while you see it from this perspective, they see it another way and as long as no harm is done, let it be - don't see the world only from the view of what you would do! appreciate that different things work for different people - stop expecting them to act/react the way you do - stop judging everyone for what they did/said/wore/look like, etc. - That person you are pointing at is you from a slightly different angle!

sometimes i just want some macaroni salad

this is literally happening to me right now - it is hot and sticky and for some random reason, really cold macaroni salad sounds really good. sadly, most store made macaroni salads are full of stuff i cannot eat. then i just wait it out, the craving will disappear.

on my vacation now... we have a weekend full of maybe ahead. if we sell our jadp tix, we will not be attending, if  russ's not feeling up to it, and maybe even if he is, then we may or may not attend the river. right now, all i want to do is veg out and try to enjoy the evening with my love. Had a lot of attacks today - too many supplements, too many fears that need to just release... <3

Legit as they say

So, as some of you may know, I suffer from pretty severe IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I am still waiting to set up my last exploratory colonoscopy before we start trying experimental drugs, but really, I have been doing much better with a little help from some "medicine" and frozen yogurt. Even with this help I still have issues sometimes, so I decided to apply for a Medical Marijuana Certification. From the age of 14, I started having food issues. I went to a doctor to get my shots for college and the next thing I know, he is telling me to take Lactaid. I took Lactaid for 10 years, saving me from a painfully limited diet during my early 20's, but around 23 or so it was no longer effective for me.

Over the years, my list of intolerance's have grown and recently shrunk somewhat, I have avoided all dairy except swiss and romano cheeses. With the help of some powerful probiotics, I have regained some dairy! That in and of itself is a miracle. I am working on getting back even more, but I still suffer from occasional attacks that are so painful or cause me anxiety, causing more pain, resulting in exhaustion - this is the pattern of an attack. It sucks, but it happens. Last year, I had a strange development. One day, I suddenly could not eat at all. When I would eat I would get so nauseated that I would run to the restroom, sure I was about to be violently ill - in most cases, nothing happened. Sometimes I threw up, usually not much. I had an endoscopy that said everything was fine. At this time, I was scared and it took up to 3 months to get an appointment with my specialist. Someone close to me suggested marijuana. I smoked it, I was not nauseated and I could eat. It even lasted me all the next day. Now this became a permanent ritual. If I didn't smoke, I would be back in the same spot I was in before I started smoking at all within a few short days. This is how pot saved my life!

Both of my doctors know I smoke pot - one hasn't said a thing, the other approves wholeheartedly. So when marijuana was legalized for patients with chronic pain and nausea as well as any other condition that is approved, I decided to apply. In Arizona right now, it appears that there will be no dispensaries for awhile, so any approved patient can grow up to 12 plants. I actually entered my information into a website for referrals - http://www.arizonamedicalmarijuanaclinic.com/ - and a few days later, I received an email from a doctor. I had to save some money to be sure I could afford it. Due to the way things are here, only clinics that specialize in pain are really doing these certifications, because regular doctors have to do other things and if they prescribed, that is all they would end up doing. The place I went Phoenix Integrative Medicine, PLLC, is actually a naturopathic clinic.

Having been an investigator for 4 years made me naturally suspicious of anything, so I made sure I checked out the doctors license before I set up my appointment. JM and I showed up, waited a few minutes. We were told that they had prepared and were still not even close to being able to handle as many patients as they had been getting, but they were trying. They said they had close to 700 new patients per month. They were very helpful, sending me all the electronic documents so I could apply quickly online. I paid a flat fee of $200, and due to the nature of their place, I also get another free treatment of my choosing in the future. They have acupuncture and other pain management courses. Also, the doctor was telling me of an in-depth test that would pit my blood against foods so it would figure my levels of intolerance for what, etc. Not sure what I will take :) I know that some clinics in other areas are likely cheaper. I live in a pretty affluent neighborhood.

I came home and saved the documents to my desktop, went on the site for the AZ Department of Health, loaded all the documents within 5 minutes or less, gave them my debit card number and waited about 5 days. That  was all - the card arrived sometime within the last few days, and I just received it in my hand today! I am excited to try my hand at growing something as complex and beautiful as marijuana! It is sure to raise my quality of life, no more worries about having something illegal that I need, if I had indeed carried it ever :) sigh - now for some Nick Swardson!