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Saturday, May 28, 2011


i suck at meditation. I just don't have the mindset for it I suppose - or it is something i need to learn! I know this and will eventually figure this out. Right now I am tired and amped up, I foresee a tough weekend, that I hope is fun at least. It is not fun as yet...

So, i have some thoughts stirring and decided to share them. everything in this world that you allow to influence you is a personal choice. Before you start freaking out, let us examine this logic - you feel, but why? most of us believe it is because we are human, and that is partially true. If you are offended by something, is that not a choice? if life is not giving you what you want, are you asking for it? have you made steps to rectify what is wrong? or do you point the finger, blaming out of some ridiculous fear to be wrong and responsible for your own self?

most people understand fear to be an elemental thing, something that we should hide in the closet from, under the blankets or behind others... haha, just reminded that while donnie darko is a cult classic, i disagreed with it's entire premise. People may think that acknowledging a myriad of emotions and circumstances make it ok to disregard that which is simple. Love/Fear - that is everything!

think about the people you love, the things you love to do, that feeling of elation when you feel that first rush, the soft throb of respect from a long standing partnership... that power is in everything positive, anywhere, ever! in that smile you give a stranger, the pennies you give to charity, that feeling of wellbeing is love. Love is in a text message, the internet, everything, everywhere, everyone! the ability to truly empathize with another human being only takes a few steps - not easy ones, but simple in word, if not practice.

you know the saying that you will never love anyone until you love yourself? this is completely true - i have loved, lusted, obsessed on some rare occassions, then alternately mooned over people, but the reality is, until i looked myself in the eye, saw all that I am, light/dark and the balance of my most evil and good within me, FORGAVE myself for those I had perceived wrongly to be bad - there is no bad side, just the balance - the duality of human nature is in all things - that is when i truly learned what it was to love. People will ask why God does things to them - no one does anything to you that you do not allow - before anyone freaks out, I am not talking about beatings, abuse, rape, natural disasters, etc - i mean within! within YOU is the entire universe as YOU see it. Without some interpretation, you are the only one who can see things the way you do - how can you place blame on someone else for your view on ANYTHING? you can't.

You might say to me, I voted and now they are messing up what i voted for - go ahead, be angry. What service will your anger do? anger is not the answer, action is! if something is not right to you, do something about it - otherwise you are causing and facilitating that which is making you miserable, and likely making others around you the same way. of course, they have the power to mitigate their responses - the main point is just that if you are unhappy, change it - I am not telling anyone to jump up and move - i am saying change the way you see EVERYTHING!!

every thing you have ever done has led up to this moment - every person you have met has been a link to this NOW! appreciate where you are, not where you can be, might be, were... even that mistake, the one that seems so senseless, shaped you to be who you are right now - be appreciative, LEARN your lessons, but move on - try to be happy while you are here to learn your lessons - the lesson whose final destination is love and balance! that is all any of us want. Do not let your ego and fear keep you from the joy that is living, the beauty that is in a sunbeam is always there to be appreciated - and it has been sparkling there longer then you have been aware. Do you think that sunbeam sits around all day waiting to be appreciated? nope, it just shines it's mellow light and dances with the dust motes and pollen!

a quote "fear is what kills us" says it all. Suicide is likely the most selfish act in the entire universe. Imagine, your soul is waiting in queue to come here to learn what it means to really truly BE, and while in process you just destroy the shell that you inhabit...  one can only imagine the cosmic backlash of such a thing, but why would anyone do that anyway? (and yes, i have not only seriously contemplated but also planned my own such downfall in the past, before i opened my eyes and truly began to See) - Fear - if you do not look within and recognize the way that fear manipulates you to do things that you should not do, smooth talks you into that chemical dependency to act "normal" and will give you all of the reasons to do those things that will sabotage your life, then your lack of self-love will have destroyed you - there is not much learning to be gleaned from feeding fear, only from conquering them and the patterns that have shaped us so far...

simple things to start

  1. be honest with yourself - look in a mirror if you must. Every person in the universe is a mirror, every creature, leaf, tree, etc. is a part of you - that person you loathe is just a part of yourself you have not recognized and forgiven - once you have completed this step then you are ready for step 2
  2. forgive yourself - we all tend to judge ourselves too harshly - even if you have made a terrible mistake and bad choices, the chances for self redemption is always there - evil does not exist, only fear manipulated bad choices - YOU are the only one who can make the choice to release all that blame and mess - you are not bad, we are all beautiful creatures of light and love - you were born as a guileless, loving child who learned fear from a flying hand or a hot stove - by all means, take care of yourself, just realize all things within reason! reason being whatever keeps you safe to enjoy this moment and the next
  3. Love yourself! - remembering who you are is an integral part of this process - once you have seen the balance within you, appreciate what you can be, now just KNOW that you are awesome! EVERYONE is awesome, because we are all the same - God is within each of us, and with that comes the ability to be ones own god - you control what happens within you. that person who was rude to you - forgive them, release ay negativity and breathe in the npositive energy of the earth - just breathe - ground yourself - with your feet touching the ground, seated and comfortable, breathe and imagine pulling in energy from the earth through the soles of your feet, exhaling the negative out - when you feel that tingling in your feet and legs you are now grounded - this is a good way to release anything that gets to you - this is not in Any way a one step process, it is a constant learning curve :)
  4. Release Judgment - this is a huge one, and one that seems to be most difficult for some people - once you recognize that we are all the same - that ex who was always telling you that you suck? that guy or gal is Reflecting. meaning that if you start to judge someone elses choices for any reason, it is time to stop, reflect on what is wrong, see it within you and then release it. Control is a huge element that fear stems from - the illusion of control that is... my personal patterns are just as twisted as anyone elses -I just try to stop myself when i begin to react in a way that is not constructive, i try to see the root of the fear that caused the reaction - when i see it, i can control my reactions, thus ending the cycle for a while - again - this is literally something that you will do multiple times a day. over time you will start doing it subconsciously or just be more zen all of the time - because once you stop judging other people you can see that they are just like you! i find this easy enough, but it may be a challenge for some - that homeless guy on the corner, it may be that he has made some bad choices and will continue to do so - that does not mean you should believe that he does not know that and has made a decision to listen to fear - sometimes the path that seems so simple to you may not be easy for someone else - and that is compassion. once you can love yourself and release judgment you can now give unconditional love.
  5. unconditional love - you know that family member who is crazy or does things you do not agree with? do you love them? usually you do, you just find yourself aggravated by their lack of good choices - it is nice of you to care so much, but what would happen if instead of you dictating their behavior, you allowed them to be themselves, love them despite all faults and just loved them? perhaps shared a little insight into your own awakening to YOU? might they begin to rebuild themselves in whatever way they were meant to evolve? is this a chance you can pass up??
  6. Learning - and that is where I am now - still learning everyday to recognize the patterns of myself, ready to be honest, dig if i must, forgive myself, release judgment, unconditional love for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. that negative nancy needs a hug - show some kindness and love and it will come back to you a zillion times over! once you get here, you will redo every step, as many times as needed, to learn what you need - if you mess up, back in the queue :) not that reincarnation is such a bad thing, but You are Here NOW! You are perfect and imperfect, dark and light, the balance of the entire universe rests in your own hands - empowerment in it's greatest form!
Ah, see - just explaining the processes calmed me, I feel a lot better and the reminder that Love is always there to balance me - to see my own choices and be happy - thank you, blog!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits

50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits 

I probably will never get to all of these, or I may do one over an over - all I know is that it sounds like a great idea to me - nothing will manifest beauty/love/truth as much as appreciating what is around you!

there are so many lists I have no idea where to start, so I will take the suggestion of my friend, Jessica and start with 50 things or less that I am grateful for, in no specific order:

  1. Justin - my boyfriend, he is my light in the darkness - we grow together <3 and he is my soulmate
  2. the earth - without the earth we would have no food - and dirt would be pretty boring by itself
  3. the air 
  4. water 
  5. fire
  6. love - the greatest thing ever, and within anyone's grasp - give it to receive it, start with yourself
  7. fear - yes even fear, because without it, we would never need to face what is truly within us
  8. grapes
  9. apples
  10. strawberries
  11. cake
  12. candy
  13. cookies
  14. trees
  15. leaves
  16. rocks
  17. moss
  18. lichen
  19. brambles
  20. berries
  21. sunlight
  22. clouds
  23. rain
  24. rainbows
  25. unicorns
  26. ghosts
  27. puppies
  28. kitties
  29. baby animals of all sorts
  30. elephants
  31. frogs
  32. praying mantis
  33. frozen yogurt
  34. pita chips
  35. hummus
  36. picnic blankets
  37. picnics
  38. cuddling
  39. naps
  40. sleep
  41. exercise
  42. hiking
  43. reading books
  44. writing
  45. music
  46. dancing
  47. rpg's
  48. science fiction/fantasy
  49. comedy
  50. horror
hm - that was easier then i thought :) i may follow up with another one!

Monday, May 23, 2011

home sick - story of my life

For anyone who doesn't know, I have IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome has only been a diagnosis of a few years, but I had been gathering intolerances since I was 14 years old. At the age of 14 I went to a doctor to get my an immunization - one of those weird extra ones they started making us all take before college. The doctor and I discussed some of my experiences with dairy, and he agreed I may be intolerant and advised I try lactaid. At that time i was not aware that taking those pills was a good as giving up. Now many years, and many intolerances later, I am finally starting to get some stuff back. Recently, I decided to see if i could tolerate frozen yogurt. It was heavy, but I didn't get ill, just a little gassy. After several nights of yogurt consumption, i started testing some foods and the probiotics I have ingested have somehow made me able to eat dairy! I still moderate it, because too much of anything is not good, but I am happy. I am not sure the limits of this newfound cure, I have read some articles stating that probiotics can help us rebuild the linings in our guts. I will keep you all updated!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just another weeknight

Weeknights are tough for me. I rarely do anything more than make sure food reaches my mouth, that I am electronically "caught up" on my friends stuff and have adequately felt I have shared all my coolness for the day, which is variable from day to day :) luckily, my friends are awesome and share stuff with me all day long! My current day job is in customer service, which is actually pretty amazing. I hate the phone and yet I don't hate my job at all - it is a pretty good gig overall, as long as I get past the uselessness of it - which i can manage sometimes haha! I actually have an interview on Monday with a different department, and I am crossing my fingers that I get it. I know it will not make it anymore useful, but it will make me happier. Now i just need to load my celly with a ton more music and keep her charged - if i get the position!

So everyone seems pretty excited about the Rapture. Christians are excited, Athiests are annoyed or amused, Agnostics are just waiting... and when the 22nd of May 2011 rolls in, everyone will ignore that it didn't happen!

Sigh - I am tired and not feeling entertaining tonight - Love!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


My boyfriend and I went to an old fashioned candy store and other assorted strange bits called Smeeks - It was a fun place to wander around and I took lots of fun pictures.

Something New

So as most people have done, I pushed life off for as long as I could. I followed the rules, I was a good girl - now it is time for me to start living, before all time becomes un-linear again :) Anyway, I started writing a book, a sort of explanation on my perspectives on how to be happy - not different then a million other books, and i got to page 8 or so, writing in a strange and erratic style, and then realized I was running out of things to say. I never really run out of things to say, just in that specific context, I had very concisely said everything I needed to say about the issue. If someone refuses to see what they need in more than what I have written, then they will never see. I will go back to it eventually, or start something else. For now, this is what I decided to do. If I have an epiphany, it could be at any time, and not necessarily with my nose in a word document, hoping for the burn or inspiration to try and explain myself with little reference to others. Reference papers are not entertainment and I wanted people to like being happy... If I could just spread the how of it... So the answer is this - this place! I can talk about all the ways to be happy and not worry if I will ever finish a book, whether it would ever be published - it can take its time developing or wandering off into the sunset, because I will no longer be delaying anything by not having finished the book. Also, feeling that I can help people and it being delayed makes me anxious.

I am no expert, I never wanted to be a teacher, and yet I have been given a gift in being able to pierce the veil that we all live behind. So I guess, I will begin with the beginning. The first step to being truly happy is to be honest with yourself! Take responsibility for what you feel and realize that only you can control how you feel/act/react/interact with the entire world. Put out positivity and you will receive it! <3