Follow by Email

Friday, June 10, 2011

communication the most ridiculously simple and difficult things in this life is communication. everyone is just trying to be understood, yet there is an unfortunate set of subconscious fears guiding every reply, every action and coinciding reaction, and sometimes, all you can do it react. the way through to the other side of a rage confrontation is not the same for every circumstance. personally, i try to figure out the reason that my hackles have risen and see that it is foolish. if you can see it, then you win that round. unfortunately, even knowing does not make one able to fight every instance of irrational fear... but it can help control the backlash of unfortunate behavior that may seem perfectly reasonable as you are "defending" yourself. the suck parts are when you know you will never be forgiven for some foolishness, you didn't really mean it, sort of bad choices... intentions are not analogous to reception! you can be bringing blankets to an orphanage and they just happened to not be flame resistant or something - anything can happen. I like to approach it all with the most positive intentions I can manage :) wrestling inner fears can be a constant struggle, but if you cannot change the past, don't lose the now there as well, or too far ahead either - appreciate your current blessings!

perception is everything - example - i have a friend, who i was very close with a few years back. he was aware of my eating issues. he decided to make me and some people breakfast this morning and thoughtlessly dumped a bunch of cheese into it. luckily, i saw it before i ate it, but i got so angry! i jumped up from the table and i went for a walk. it seems so irrational now, but at the time i was mad at the fact that he was completely thoughtless, forgetting something that was so major, and how selfish that he had not checked with me. from his point of view, he was just making me a tasty breakfast. this was result of neither of us communicating with the other, but was my reaction in any way warranted? not in his view, nor mine in hindsight, but that did not stop me from leaving the situation until i cooled down. He will never change, and knowing him, I should have known to remind him, haha! anyway - so when you get all secretly butthurt about something someone did and harbor resentment, what will that win you? nothing good. If you cannot forgive yourself, you won't be able to forgive others for what you Imagine their view of you is - twisty, but true! so once you cool down and have rationalized what was an irrational situation, remember to COMMUNICATE!

it is much easier to accept that while you see it from this perspective, they see it another way and as long as no harm is done, let it be - don't see the world only from the view of what you would do! appreciate that different things work for different people - stop expecting them to act/react the way you do - stop judging everyone for what they did/said/wore/look like, etc. - That person you are pointing at is you from a slightly different angle!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

sometimes i just want some macaroni salad

this is literally happening to me right now - it is hot and sticky and for some random reason, really cold macaroni salad sounds really good. sadly, most store made macaroni salads are full of stuff i cannot eat. then i just wait it out, the craving will disappear.

on my vacation now... we have a weekend full of maybe ahead. if we sell our jadp tix, we will not be attending, if  russ's not feeling up to it, and maybe even if he is, then we may or may not attend the river. right now, all i want to do is veg out and try to enjoy the evening with my love. Had a lot of attacks today - too many supplements, too many fears that need to just release... <3

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Legit as they say

So, as some of you may know, I suffer from pretty severe IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I am still waiting to set up my last exploratory colonoscopy before we start trying experimental drugs, but really, I have been doing much better with a little help from some "medicine" and frozen yogurt. Even with this help I still have issues sometimes, so I decided to apply for a Medical Marijuana Certification. From the age of 14, I started having food issues. I went to a doctor to get my shots for college and the next thing I know, he is telling me to take Lactaid. I took Lactaid for 10 years, saving me from a painfully limited diet during my early 20's, but around 23 or so it was no longer effective for me.

Over the years, my list of intolerance's have grown and recently shrunk somewhat, I have avoided all dairy except swiss and romano cheeses. With the help of some powerful probiotics, I have regained some dairy! That in and of itself is a miracle. I am working on getting back even more, but I still suffer from occasional attacks that are so painful or cause me anxiety, causing more pain, resulting in exhaustion - this is the pattern of an attack. It sucks, but it happens. Last year, I had a strange development. One day, I suddenly could not eat at all. When I would eat I would get so nauseated that I would run to the restroom, sure I was about to be violently ill - in most cases, nothing happened. Sometimes I threw up, usually not much. I had an endoscopy that said everything was fine. At this time, I was scared and it took up to 3 months to get an appointment with my specialist. Someone close to me suggested marijuana. I smoked it, I was not nauseated and I could eat. It even lasted me all the next day. Now this became a permanent ritual. If I didn't smoke, I would be back in the same spot I was in before I started smoking at all within a few short days. This is how pot saved my life!

Both of my doctors know I smoke pot - one hasn't said a thing, the other approves wholeheartedly. So when marijuana was legalized for patients with chronic pain and nausea as well as any other condition that is approved, I decided to apply. In Arizona right now, it appears that there will be no dispensaries for awhile, so any approved patient can grow up to 12 plants. I actually entered my information into a website for referrals - - and a few days later, I received an email from a doctor. I had to save some money to be sure I could afford it. Due to the way things are here, only clinics that specialize in pain are really doing these certifications, because regular doctors have to do other things and if they prescribed, that is all they would end up doing. The place I went Phoenix Integrative Medicine, PLLC, is actually a naturopathic clinic.

Having been an investigator for 4 years made me naturally suspicious of anything, so I made sure I checked out the doctors license before I set up my appointment. JM and I showed up, waited a few minutes. We were told that they had prepared and were still not even close to being able to handle as many patients as they had been getting, but they were trying. They said they had close to 700 new patients per month. They were very helpful, sending me all the electronic documents so I could apply quickly online. I paid a flat fee of $200, and due to the nature of their place, I also get another free treatment of my choosing in the future. They have acupuncture and other pain management courses. Also, the doctor was telling me of an in-depth test that would pit my blood against foods so it would figure my levels of intolerance for what, etc. Not sure what I will take :) I know that some clinics in other areas are likely cheaper. I live in a pretty affluent neighborhood.

I came home and saved the documents to my desktop, went on the site for the AZ Department of Health, loaded all the documents within 5 minutes or less, gave them my debit card number and waited about 5 days. That  was all - the card arrived sometime within the last few days, and I just received it in my hand today! I am excited to try my hand at growing something as complex and beautiful as marijuana! It is sure to raise my quality of life, no more worries about having something illegal that I need, if I had indeed carried it ever :) sigh - now for some Nick Swardson!

Universal Consciousness

so what is your theory on how the universe began? are you a creationist? do you believe in one God or many? Personally, I was raised Catholic and find that if one truly breaks down the meaning of religion you will find that the only parts worth anything are the ones about love and forgiveness. I was watching a movie last night, a documentary about religion, filmed very sarcastically by  a fundamentalist called "The God Who Wasn't There." I thought it was pretty well made for a documentary about religion. It often baffles me when belief and faith defy fact in all ways - of course that is also the nature of faith. I am not saying I do not believe in God - I have been an agnostic for most of my life, and more recently I have grown in so many ways that I really do feel that we are not just of God, that we are in essence, God. I would rather know that I have the ability to control myself, even if my fate is predestined.

For me, my awakening was something along the lines of "huh, oh yeah..." It all started when I was in a particularly lost place, stuck in some very bad patterns and decided that instead of going out drinking and dancing one night I would go to a friends gathering. She was attending SWIHA  and learning all sorts of healing things, so this gathering was of like minded people, just reading, chilling, smoking and talking. It was good times, I did a self reading and started to really think about what makes us, well, us. If Reiki  is a valid form of healing then it all makes sense. One night, a few years ago, I had my first reiki experience. I was healing from my tonsils being removed and at a party with a white board, not able to speak and sucking down liquid codeine like it was going out of style. At one point, my wonderful friend, Joth offered me a massage, but we soon found that to be folly. Blood started to gush down my throat, so I had to sit up. While I sat up he used reiki on my throat. It was hurting him, like little nettle stings, and he soon begged off, stating that the acute wound was too much for him. I was entirely skeptical of the entire process. Two hours later, I could talk, albeit not much, it was enough to convince me that it is a viable idea.

Even before this time, I had often touched friends with intent and they felt it. So it goes to show you that there is also validity in other forms of healing. Therefore, I began thinking of what makes humans tick. I mean, what is it that makes our set of strung together molecules work? Think big bang!! I realize that we are just little bits of matter that are strung together, divinely, by electricity. Same as everything else - cosmic dust, energy, water, life! Now we are into a somewhat Taoist view - all matter is the same, so with enough concentration and belief, we should be able to pass through each other, so why not be able to use a force of will to realign the bodies energies? Makes sense to me! If you truly believe something, then it is true to you, even if it is true to no one else - delusion is a twisted form of truth if you think about it.

The soul? Some people believe the soul is like the mind - however, I feel that a persons soul is the base, that original energy signal or signature that decided it was time to inhabit a body to become something more. Art, music, love - to me these are all the expressions of the original energy that we all come from, which is why that elegance that is fine art touches us so deeply - anything that expresses love is like home to us.

Recently I was pondering - there are many professions that are solely to feed us or build structures, etc. but the entertainment industries are insane. Do you realize how much money and time goes into creating art? It is the most honest expression of a soul - therefore, to a true artist, there is nothing that will keep them from creating that soul expression. Like a thumb-print, they are leaving that beautiful print for us to appreciate for as long as possible.

So if we are all made of the same energy, that quantum force that created everything and moves us in a mostly ineffable pattern until we learn the lessons we are meant to learn, then we are God. Your perception, your view, is the way you see everything - If you are unhappy, change how you see it, believe me - you are the only one in control of you and the only one you can control is yourself! To many, releasing control is one of the most frightening things one can do - but what is there to lose? Illusion!

Many people are mired in reality. I am not sure that I believe in reality much. Yes, it is here - yes, I have to go to work and pay bills and bad things happen it is true - but is it real? Is it really so hard to believe that this could be an illusion. Think of the danger room from X-men or the parts of the ship on Star Trek when they would create illusory landscapes for them to live in or fight in or whatever. Could this not also be a similar sort of environment though on a varied scale? Perhaps like Stargate? I admit I didn't like the Matrix when I first saw it - I thought it was just twisting something I knew about, but it is not really that far fetched - You can only be a slave if you don't want to wake up. If it can be imagined, it can be. Our every thought can create - if anyone, ever reads a word I say and agrees or learns something that helps them grow, then I have created. There is an unfortunate balance, but only in balance are all things maintained.

I honestly imagine it as somewhat of a line of beautiful lights and roiling balls of gaseous emission, floating in a queue in space, awaiting their turn to enter a shell, and grow, one day to attain enlightenment - which is more of a  Buddhist thing :) So once we all accept that we are all the same and start giving to each other instead of taking, we will finally be at peace - I am not saying it is going to happen - but I hope it will :) <3 Namaste!