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Monday, February 6, 2012

not sure where to put this

so by default of least total readers - my abandoned and forgotten blog. for those who do not know, i have been dealing with some major things, all at once. Sorry i haven't been around, but sometimes, just getting out of bed is hard. my brain starts filling up with all of the imaginary responsibilities i have, all that i expect of myself more then anything. i suppose i always thought that i would be the big hero - able to take on anything. so far, i have succeeded, sometimes at great cost. yet, i continue - though it is really hard to do a lot of the time. so the major things - divorce, major illness in the family, the realization that there are tenants of belief that i am pushing every day and not actually living, though i want to so badly that it is breaking my mind. i could be helping build a house somewhere, or tend a garden, do something that actually MEANS something... everything is always about the almighty dollar. well, yes - in a simple sense, money would fix all of the problems - and yet it would also create a lot more. i don't want money - i don't want to need money - i do not like money. i just want to be happy. i want not to have to work at some bullshit 9-5 or 9-9 - i want to help or create or both - i am incredibly productive and organized when i want to be. i just feel like using my powers for something that is nothing, means i am doing nothing. Groundhogs day - every day, we run in the hamster wheel. we do the same things over and over, with subtle variation and nothing changes. the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results, and yet this is how we live our lives! i am outraged! at me!!! i hate feeling obligated to keep a job that i have to struggle every day to get through - mainly because i know that it is not what i need to be doing - it is a paycheck, to get me by until... until when!??? when!????? never... that is what it feels like - like i am never going to do more then dream, because i cannot depend on myself to do what i really want to do, because it is not responsible, it is not practical, and other people's dreams are always more important then my own - that is how i feel about it - now i have to change it - and i have to change it now, because if i don't do something soon, i will be going mad, in a very literal sense.