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Saturday, July 23, 2011

subliminal sabotage

manifestation is something akin to faith - people believe in god, or gods, or goddesses, in the fact that the clouds will bring the rain, that when the cock crows that it may be dawn. so then why is it so hard to see that this is not just a happenstance? we live for a reason, people have spent their entire lives examining our reason for being at all, but as all things it is simple. we are here to learn - smarter then the average planetary body, we can communicate these inner musings, while something like whales may feel that even if they could write it down, it would be a waste of time - you either get it or you don't. so many times in life, we wonder why us? why could this or that happen to us? victims, we all are so afraid of taking responsibility for ourselves and this is wrong. if you have gone through the steps in meditation then you will know that we can make up so much of what harms us.

part of this is just our mind over-reacting to things - we are animals as well as other - we were in the not too distant past, running with the buffalo and living the life of a hunter/gatherer in the wild where having instincts and fears probably saved ones life. However, in our current world, most of the fears people have/obsess over are the sum of a lot of things - all of which can be cured by following the steps from meditation - but i digress, what i meant is that if you went through the steps, then you already know this, but all of that failure is created by you. if you are saying i hope i get it, you are allowing the possibility of not getting it - if you say that you know you will never win because you never do, you won't win - KNOW that you will win, KNOW that your goal will be reached and it will be so!! creating reality is only an effort of will - if you are thirsty, you will find a way to get a drink. your hand will reach out to a beverage and it enters your body and you are satisfied in that. apply that same simple logic to any and all things - anything is possible! i realized the other day that i live where i live, because i like it here. it is not super fancy, not super poor - nice and (mostly) clean and conveniently located - we live to our means or we live to our comfort level - i sincerely hope to kick my own ass in overturning this turnip cart in the near future, crazy style!

That is the essence of what living is - taking chances, making it from one quiz to another - that is what all that schooling was for... the foundation is solid, now each day is a lesson. If each day is the same, then you are not passing the test, you will rail at it as if it could not be different - but it can. anything is possible, make it so. Go into the day saying it will be amazing - as it is happening stop a moment and appreciate how amazing it is - these small things make all the difference in whether your moment is happy or sad. are you sensing everything? learning anything? hear, see, taste, touch, smell, feel that last 6th sense.... find pleasure in what you have, live every moment as if it were the last, because it is, the last moment - life is just a moment, that we perceive linearly - moments should not be spent lost in the past or immersed in the future - moments are for the lesson, the appreciation, and the next lesson - do not waste them in doubt and fear. this is not about wants, this is about taking full responsibility for your choices and their repercussions. you choose to do that, whether you think you do or not - if you want to be happy, don't permit yourself to be miserable - look around, see the beauty in the world and be amazed at the miracle that is EVERYTHING - see everything with gratitude, see yourself in every person and know that we are all one. Do not let subliminal sabotage make your path harder and more arduous - accepting a gift is just good manners, refusing it is rude.

Friday, June 10, 2011

communication

http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-Better-in-a-Relationshippossibly the most ridiculously simple and difficult things in this life is communication. everyone is just trying to be understood, yet there is an unfortunate set of subconscious fears guiding every reply, every action and coinciding reaction, and sometimes, all you can do it react. the way through to the other side of a rage confrontation is not the same for every circumstance. personally, i try to figure out the reason that my hackles have risen and see that it is foolish. if you can see it, then you win that round. unfortunately, even knowing does not make one able to fight every instance of irrational fear... but it can help control the backlash of unfortunate behavior that may seem perfectly reasonable as you are "defending" yourself. the suck parts are when you know you will never be forgiven for some foolishness, you didn't really mean it, sort of bad choices... intentions are not analogous to reception! you can be bringing blankets to an orphanage and they just happened to not be flame resistant or something - anything can happen. I like to approach it all with the most positive intentions I can manage :) wrestling inner fears can be a constant struggle, but if you cannot change the past, don't lose the now there as well, or too far ahead either - appreciate your current blessings!

perception is everything - example - i have a friend, who i was very close with a few years back. he was aware of my eating issues. he decided to make me and some people breakfast this morning and thoughtlessly dumped a bunch of cheese into it. luckily, i saw it before i ate it, but i got so angry! i jumped up from the table and i went for a walk. it seems so irrational now, but at the time i was mad at the fact that he was completely thoughtless, forgetting something that was so major, and how selfish that he had not checked with me. from his point of view, he was just making me a tasty breakfast. this was result of neither of us communicating with the other, but was my reaction in any way warranted? not in his view, nor mine in hindsight, but that did not stop me from leaving the situation until i cooled down. He will never change, and knowing him, I should have known to remind him, haha! anyway - so when you get all secretly butthurt about something someone did and harbor resentment, what will that win you? nothing good. If you cannot forgive yourself, you won't be able to forgive others for what you Imagine their view of you is - twisty, but true! so once you cool down and have rationalized what was an irrational situation, remember to COMMUNICATE!

it is much easier to accept that while you see it from this perspective, they see it another way and as long as no harm is done, let it be - don't see the world only from the view of what you would do! appreciate that different things work for different people - stop expecting them to act/react the way you do - stop judging everyone for what they did/said/wore/look like, etc. - That person you are pointing at is you from a slightly different angle!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

sometimes i just want some macaroni salad

this is literally happening to me right now - it is hot and sticky and for some random reason, really cold macaroni salad sounds really good. sadly, most store made macaroni salads are full of stuff i cannot eat. then i just wait it out, the craving will disappear.

on my vacation now... we have a weekend full of maybe ahead. if we sell our jadp tix, we will not be attending, if  russ's not feeling up to it, and maybe even if he is, then we may or may not attend the river. right now, all i want to do is veg out and try to enjoy the evening with my love. Had a lot of attacks today - too many supplements, too many fears that need to just release... <3

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Legit as they say

So, as some of you may know, I suffer from pretty severe IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I am still waiting to set up my last exploratory colonoscopy before we start trying experimental drugs, but really, I have been doing much better with a little help from some "medicine" and frozen yogurt. Even with this help I still have issues sometimes, so I decided to apply for a Medical Marijuana Certification. From the age of 14, I started having food issues. I went to a doctor to get my shots for college and the next thing I know, he is telling me to take Lactaid. I took Lactaid for 10 years, saving me from a painfully limited diet during my early 20's, but around 23 or so it was no longer effective for me.

Over the years, my list of intolerance's have grown and recently shrunk somewhat, I have avoided all dairy except swiss and romano cheeses. With the help of some powerful probiotics, I have regained some dairy! That in and of itself is a miracle. I am working on getting back even more, but I still suffer from occasional attacks that are so painful or cause me anxiety, causing more pain, resulting in exhaustion - this is the pattern of an attack. It sucks, but it happens. Last year, I had a strange development. One day, I suddenly could not eat at all. When I would eat I would get so nauseated that I would run to the restroom, sure I was about to be violently ill - in most cases, nothing happened. Sometimes I threw up, usually not much. I had an endoscopy that said everything was fine. At this time, I was scared and it took up to 3 months to get an appointment with my specialist. Someone close to me suggested marijuana. I smoked it, I was not nauseated and I could eat. It even lasted me all the next day. Now this became a permanent ritual. If I didn't smoke, I would be back in the same spot I was in before I started smoking at all within a few short days. This is how pot saved my life!

Both of my doctors know I smoke pot - one hasn't said a thing, the other approves wholeheartedly. So when marijuana was legalized for patients with chronic pain and nausea as well as any other condition that is approved, I decided to apply. In Arizona right now, it appears that there will be no dispensaries for awhile, so any approved patient can grow up to 12 plants. I actually entered my information into a website for referrals - http://www.arizonamedicalmarijuanaclinic.com/ - and a few days later, I received an email from a doctor. I had to save some money to be sure I could afford it. Due to the way things are here, only clinics that specialize in pain are really doing these certifications, because regular doctors have to do other things and if they prescribed, that is all they would end up doing. The place I went Phoenix Integrative Medicine, PLLC, is actually a naturopathic clinic.

Having been an investigator for 4 years made me naturally suspicious of anything, so I made sure I checked out the doctors license before I set up my appointment. JM and I showed up, waited a few minutes. We were told that they had prepared and were still not even close to being able to handle as many patients as they had been getting, but they were trying. They said they had close to 700 new patients per month. They were very helpful, sending me all the electronic documents so I could apply quickly online. I paid a flat fee of $200, and due to the nature of their place, I also get another free treatment of my choosing in the future. They have acupuncture and other pain management courses. Also, the doctor was telling me of an in-depth test that would pit my blood against foods so it would figure my levels of intolerance for what, etc. Not sure what I will take :) I know that some clinics in other areas are likely cheaper. I live in a pretty affluent neighborhood.

I came home and saved the documents to my desktop, went on the site for the AZ Department of Health, loaded all the documents within 5 minutes or less, gave them my debit card number and waited about 5 days. That  was all - the card arrived sometime within the last few days, and I just received it in my hand today! I am excited to try my hand at growing something as complex and beautiful as marijuana! It is sure to raise my quality of life, no more worries about having something illegal that I need, if I had indeed carried it ever :) sigh - now for some Nick Swardson!

Universal Consciousness

so what is your theory on how the universe began? are you a creationist? do you believe in one God or many? Personally, I was raised Catholic and find that if one truly breaks down the meaning of religion you will find that the only parts worth anything are the ones about love and forgiveness. I was watching a movie last night, a documentary about religion, filmed very sarcastically by  a fundamentalist called "The God Who Wasn't There." I thought it was pretty well made for a documentary about religion. It often baffles me when belief and faith defy fact in all ways - of course that is also the nature of faith. I am not saying I do not believe in God - I have been an agnostic for most of my life, and more recently I have grown in so many ways that I really do feel that we are not just of God, that we are in essence, God. I would rather know that I have the ability to control myself, even if my fate is predestined.

For me, my awakening was something along the lines of "huh, oh yeah..." It all started when I was in a particularly lost place, stuck in some very bad patterns and decided that instead of going out drinking and dancing one night I would go to a friends gathering. She was attending SWIHA  and learning all sorts of healing things, so this gathering was of like minded people, just reading, chilling, smoking and talking. It was good times, I did a self reading and started to really think about what makes us, well, us. If Reiki  is a valid form of healing then it all makes sense. One night, a few years ago, I had my first reiki experience. I was healing from my tonsils being removed and at a party with a white board, not able to speak and sucking down liquid codeine like it was going out of style. At one point, my wonderful friend, Joth offered me a massage, but we soon found that to be folly. Blood started to gush down my throat, so I had to sit up. While I sat up he used reiki on my throat. It was hurting him, like little nettle stings, and he soon begged off, stating that the acute wound was too much for him. I was entirely skeptical of the entire process. Two hours later, I could talk, albeit not much, it was enough to convince me that it is a viable idea.

Even before this time, I had often touched friends with intent and they felt it. So it goes to show you that there is also validity in other forms of healing. Therefore, I began thinking of what makes humans tick. I mean, what is it that makes our set of strung together molecules work? Think big bang!! I realize that we are just little bits of matter that are strung together, divinely, by electricity. Same as everything else - cosmic dust, energy, water, life! Now we are into a somewhat Taoist view - all matter is the same, so with enough concentration and belief, we should be able to pass through each other, so why not be able to use a force of will to realign the bodies energies? Makes sense to me! If you truly believe something, then it is true to you, even if it is true to no one else - delusion is a twisted form of truth if you think about it.

The soul? Some people believe the soul is like the mind - however, I feel that a persons soul is the base, that original energy signal or signature that decided it was time to inhabit a body to become something more. Art, music, love - to me these are all the expressions of the original energy that we all come from, which is why that elegance that is fine art touches us so deeply - anything that expresses love is like home to us.

Recently I was pondering - there are many professions that are solely to feed us or build structures, etc. but the entertainment industries are insane. Do you realize how much money and time goes into creating art? It is the most honest expression of a soul - therefore, to a true artist, there is nothing that will keep them from creating that soul expression. Like a thumb-print, they are leaving that beautiful print for us to appreciate for as long as possible.

So if we are all made of the same energy, that quantum force that created everything and moves us in a mostly ineffable pattern until we learn the lessons we are meant to learn, then we are God. Your perception, your view, is the way you see everything - If you are unhappy, change how you see it, believe me - you are the only one in control of you and the only one you can control is yourself! To many, releasing control is one of the most frightening things one can do - but what is there to lose? Illusion!

Many people are mired in reality. I am not sure that I believe in reality much. Yes, it is here - yes, I have to go to work and pay bills and bad things happen it is true - but is it real? Is it really so hard to believe that this could be an illusion. Think of the danger room from X-men or the parts of the ship on Star Trek when they would create illusory landscapes for them to live in or fight in or whatever. Could this not also be a similar sort of environment though on a varied scale? Perhaps like Stargate? I admit I didn't like the Matrix when I first saw it - I thought it was just twisting something I knew about, but it is not really that far fetched - You can only be a slave if you don't want to wake up. If it can be imagined, it can be. Our every thought can create - if anyone, ever reads a word I say and agrees or learns something that helps them grow, then I have created. There is an unfortunate balance, but only in balance are all things maintained.

I honestly imagine it as somewhat of a line of beautiful lights and roiling balls of gaseous emission, floating in a queue in space, awaiting their turn to enter a shell, and grow, one day to attain enlightenment - which is more of a  Buddhist thing :) So once we all accept that we are all the same and start giving to each other instead of taking, we will finally be at peace - I am not saying it is going to happen - but I hope it will :) <3 Namaste!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

meditation

i suck at meditation. I just don't have the mindset for it I suppose - or it is something i need to learn! I know this and will eventually figure this out. Right now I am tired and amped up, I foresee a tough weekend, that I hope is fun at least. It is not fun as yet...

So, i have some thoughts stirring and decided to share them. everything in this world that you allow to influence you is a personal choice. Before you start freaking out, let us examine this logic - you feel, but why? most of us believe it is because we are human, and that is partially true. If you are offended by something, is that not a choice? if life is not giving you what you want, are you asking for it? have you made steps to rectify what is wrong? or do you point the finger, blaming out of some ridiculous fear to be wrong and responsible for your own self?

most people understand fear to be an elemental thing, something that we should hide in the closet from, under the blankets or behind others... haha, just reminded that while donnie darko is a cult classic, i disagreed with it's entire premise. People may think that acknowledging a myriad of emotions and circumstances make it ok to disregard that which is simple. Love/Fear - that is everything!

think about the people you love, the things you love to do, that feeling of elation when you feel that first rush, the soft throb of respect from a long standing partnership... that power is in everything positive, anywhere, ever! in that smile you give a stranger, the pennies you give to charity, that feeling of wellbeing is love. Love is in a text message, the internet, everything, everywhere, everyone! the ability to truly empathize with another human being only takes a few steps - not easy ones, but simple in word, if not practice.

you know the saying that you will never love anyone until you love yourself? this is completely true - i have loved, lusted, obsessed on some rare occassions, then alternately mooned over people, but the reality is, until i looked myself in the eye, saw all that I am, light/dark and the balance of my most evil and good within me, FORGAVE myself for those I had perceived wrongly to be bad - there is no bad side, just the balance - the duality of human nature is in all things - that is when i truly learned what it was to love. People will ask why God does things to them - no one does anything to you that you do not allow - before anyone freaks out, I am not talking about beatings, abuse, rape, natural disasters, etc - i mean within! within YOU is the entire universe as YOU see it. Without some interpretation, you are the only one who can see things the way you do - how can you place blame on someone else for your view on ANYTHING? you can't.

You might say to me, I voted and now they are messing up what i voted for - go ahead, be angry. What service will your anger do? anger is not the answer, action is! if something is not right to you, do something about it - otherwise you are causing and facilitating that which is making you miserable, and likely making others around you the same way. of course, they have the power to mitigate their responses - the main point is just that if you are unhappy, change it - I am not telling anyone to jump up and move - i am saying change the way you see EVERYTHING!!

every thing you have ever done has led up to this moment - every person you have met has been a link to this NOW! appreciate where you are, not where you can be, might be, were... even that mistake, the one that seems so senseless, shaped you to be who you are right now - be appreciative, LEARN your lessons, but move on - try to be happy while you are here to learn your lessons - the lesson whose final destination is love and balance! that is all any of us want. Do not let your ego and fear keep you from the joy that is living, the beauty that is in a sunbeam is always there to be appreciated - and it has been sparkling there longer then you have been aware. Do you think that sunbeam sits around all day waiting to be appreciated? nope, it just shines it's mellow light and dances with the dust motes and pollen!

a quote "fear is what kills us" says it all. Suicide is likely the most selfish act in the entire universe. Imagine, your soul is waiting in queue to come here to learn what it means to really truly BE, and while in process you just destroy the shell that you inhabit...  one can only imagine the cosmic backlash of such a thing, but why would anyone do that anyway? (and yes, i have not only seriously contemplated but also planned my own such downfall in the past, before i opened my eyes and truly began to See) - Fear - if you do not look within and recognize the way that fear manipulates you to do things that you should not do, smooth talks you into that chemical dependency to act "normal" and will give you all of the reasons to do those things that will sabotage your life, then your lack of self-love will have destroyed you - there is not much learning to be gleaned from feeding fear, only from conquering them and the patterns that have shaped us so far...

simple things to start

  1. be honest with yourself - look in a mirror if you must. Every person in the universe is a mirror, every creature, leaf, tree, etc. is a part of you - that person you loathe is just a part of yourself you have not recognized and forgiven - once you have completed this step then you are ready for step 2
  2. forgive yourself - we all tend to judge ourselves too harshly - even if you have made a terrible mistake and bad choices, the chances for self redemption is always there - evil does not exist, only fear manipulated bad choices - YOU are the only one who can make the choice to release all that blame and mess - you are not bad, we are all beautiful creatures of light and love - you were born as a guileless, loving child who learned fear from a flying hand or a hot stove - by all means, take care of yourself, just realize all things within reason! reason being whatever keeps you safe to enjoy this moment and the next
  3. Love yourself! - remembering who you are is an integral part of this process - once you have seen the balance within you, appreciate what you can be, now just KNOW that you are awesome! EVERYONE is awesome, because we are all the same - God is within each of us, and with that comes the ability to be ones own god - you control what happens within you. that person who was rude to you - forgive them, release ay negativity and breathe in the npositive energy of the earth - just breathe - ground yourself - with your feet touching the ground, seated and comfortable, breathe and imagine pulling in energy from the earth through the soles of your feet, exhaling the negative out - when you feel that tingling in your feet and legs you are now grounded - this is a good way to release anything that gets to you - this is not in Any way a one step process, it is a constant learning curve :)
  4. Release Judgment - this is a huge one, and one that seems to be most difficult for some people - once you recognize that we are all the same - that ex who was always telling you that you suck? that guy or gal is Reflecting. meaning that if you start to judge someone elses choices for any reason, it is time to stop, reflect on what is wrong, see it within you and then release it. Control is a huge element that fear stems from - the illusion of control that is... my personal patterns are just as twisted as anyone elses -I just try to stop myself when i begin to react in a way that is not constructive, i try to see the root of the fear that caused the reaction - when i see it, i can control my reactions, thus ending the cycle for a while - again - this is literally something that you will do multiple times a day. over time you will start doing it subconsciously or just be more zen all of the time - because once you stop judging other people you can see that they are just like you! i find this easy enough, but it may be a challenge for some - that homeless guy on the corner, it may be that he has made some bad choices and will continue to do so - that does not mean you should believe that he does not know that and has made a decision to listen to fear - sometimes the path that seems so simple to you may not be easy for someone else - and that is compassion. once you can love yourself and release judgment you can now give unconditional love.
  5. unconditional love - you know that family member who is crazy or does things you do not agree with? do you love them? usually you do, you just find yourself aggravated by their lack of good choices - it is nice of you to care so much, but what would happen if instead of you dictating their behavior, you allowed them to be themselves, love them despite all faults and just loved them? perhaps shared a little insight into your own awakening to YOU? might they begin to rebuild themselves in whatever way they were meant to evolve? is this a chance you can pass up??
  6. Learning - and that is where I am now - still learning everyday to recognize the patterns of myself, ready to be honest, dig if i must, forgive myself, release judgment, unconditional love for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. that negative nancy needs a hug - show some kindness and love and it will come back to you a zillion times over! once you get here, you will redo every step, as many times as needed, to learn what you need - if you mess up, back in the queue :) not that reincarnation is such a bad thing, but You are Here NOW! You are perfect and imperfect, dark and light, the balance of the entire universe rests in your own hands - empowerment in it's greatest form!
Ah, see - just explaining the processes calmed me, I feel a lot better and the reminder that Love is always there to balance me - to see my own choices and be happy - thank you, blog!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits

50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits 


I probably will never get to all of these, or I may do one over an over - all I know is that it sounds like a great idea to me - nothing will manifest beauty/love/truth as much as appreciating what is around you!

there are so many lists I have no idea where to start, so I will take the suggestion of my friend, Jessica and start with 50 things or less that I am grateful for, in no specific order:

  1. Justin - my boyfriend, he is my light in the darkness - we grow together <3 and he is my soulmate
  2. the earth - without the earth we would have no food - and dirt would be pretty boring by itself
  3. the air 
  4. water 
  5. fire
  6. love - the greatest thing ever, and within anyone's grasp - give it to receive it, start with yourself
  7. fear - yes even fear, because without it, we would never need to face what is truly within us
  8. grapes
  9. apples
  10. strawberries
  11. cake
  12. candy
  13. cookies
  14. trees
  15. leaves
  16. rocks
  17. moss
  18. lichen
  19. brambles
  20. berries
  21. sunlight
  22. clouds
  23. rain
  24. rainbows
  25. unicorns
  26. ghosts
  27. puppies
  28. kitties
  29. baby animals of all sorts
  30. elephants
  31. frogs
  32. praying mantis
  33. frozen yogurt
  34. pita chips
  35. hummus
  36. picnic blankets
  37. picnics
  38. cuddling
  39. naps
  40. sleep
  41. exercise
  42. hiking
  43. reading books
  44. writing
  45. music
  46. dancing
  47. rpg's
  48. science fiction/fantasy
  49. comedy
  50. horror
hm - that was easier then i thought :) i may follow up with another one!

Monday, May 23, 2011

home sick - story of my life

For anyone who doesn't know, I have IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome has only been a diagnosis of a few years, but I had been gathering intolerances since I was 14 years old. At the age of 14 I went to a doctor to get my an immunization - one of those weird extra ones they started making us all take before college. The doctor and I discussed some of my experiences with dairy, and he agreed I may be intolerant and advised I try lactaid. At that time i was not aware that taking those pills was a good as giving up. Now many years, and many intolerances later, I am finally starting to get some stuff back. Recently, I decided to see if i could tolerate frozen yogurt. It was heavy, but I didn't get ill, just a little gassy. After several nights of yogurt consumption, i started testing some foods and the probiotics I have ingested have somehow made me able to eat dairy! I still moderate it, because too much of anything is not good, but I am happy. I am not sure the limits of this newfound cure, I have read some articles stating that probiotics can help us rebuild the linings in our guts. I will keep you all updated!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just another weeknight

Weeknights are tough for me. I rarely do anything more than make sure food reaches my mouth, that I am electronically "caught up" on my friends stuff and have adequately felt I have shared all my coolness for the day, which is variable from day to day :) luckily, my friends are awesome and share stuff with me all day long! My current day job is in customer service, which is actually pretty amazing. I hate the phone and yet I don't hate my job at all - it is a pretty good gig overall, as long as I get past the uselessness of it - which i can manage sometimes haha! I actually have an interview on Monday with a different department, and I am crossing my fingers that I get it. I know it will not make it anymore useful, but it will make me happier. Now i just need to load my celly with a ton more music and keep her charged - if i get the position!

So everyone seems pretty excited about the Rapture. Christians are excited, Athiests are annoyed or amused, Agnostics are just waiting... and when the 22nd of May 2011 rolls in, everyone will ignore that it didn't happen!

Sigh - I am tired and not feeling entertaining tonight - Love!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Smeeks























My boyfriend and I went to an old fashioned candy store and other assorted strange bits called Smeeks - It was a fun place to wander around and I took lots of fun pictures.

Something New

So as most people have done, I pushed life off for as long as I could. I followed the rules, I was a good girl - now it is time for me to start living, before all time becomes un-linear again :) Anyway, I started writing a book, a sort of explanation on my perspectives on how to be happy - not different then a million other books, and i got to page 8 or so, writing in a strange and erratic style, and then realized I was running out of things to say. I never really run out of things to say, just in that specific context, I had very concisely said everything I needed to say about the issue. If someone refuses to see what they need in more than what I have written, then they will never see. I will go back to it eventually, or start something else. For now, this is what I decided to do. If I have an epiphany, it could be at any time, and not necessarily with my nose in a word document, hoping for the burn or inspiration to try and explain myself with little reference to others. Reference papers are not entertainment and I wanted people to like being happy... If I could just spread the how of it... So the answer is this - this place! I can talk about all the ways to be happy and not worry if I will ever finish a book, whether it would ever be published - it can take its time developing or wandering off into the sunset, because I will no longer be delaying anything by not having finished the book. Also, feeling that I can help people and it being delayed makes me anxious.

I am no expert, I never wanted to be a teacher, and yet I have been given a gift in being able to pierce the veil that we all live behind. So I guess, I will begin with the beginning. The first step to being truly happy is to be honest with yourself! Take responsibility for what you feel and realize that only you can control how you feel/act/react/interact with the entire world. Put out positivity and you will receive it! <3